Funny - category readings

"But it's not impossible for Hillary Clinton to win. A lot of people have said that. Big Russ, if he were sitting here today -- nothing's impossible. Jack McAuliffe, if they were with us today, they're probably both in heaven right now Tim, probably having a scotch, looking down saying, you know what: this fight goes on. It's good for the Democratic Party. Millions of people coming out to vote, it's exciting." --Clinton adviser Terry McAuliffe [.....]

It is a portion of an old Australian ABC television interview between a female broadcaster and General Peter Cosgrove (ex head of the Australian Defence Forces, and now all round nice guy doing lots of non-Army crap) who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters (he was still the Army boss at this time). This is one of the best comeback lines of all time [.....]

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy), Bastard (Norway), Beaver (Oklahoma, USA), Beaver Head (Idaho, USA), Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK), Chinaman's Knob (Australia), Climax (Colorado, USA), Cunt (Spain), Cunter (Switzerland), Dikshit (India), Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada), Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border), Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic), Fuku (Shensi, China), Fukue (Honshu, Japan), Fukui (Honshu, Japan) [.....]

Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual [.....]

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
[.....]

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?". That's direct marketing.
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You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?". That's advertising. [.....]

In order to ensure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list [.....]